As you know, my father died recently.
A couple of days ago I caught up with a friend (Viv) and as we hadn’t spoken since my father’s death that was one of the main topics of conversation.
In that, we discussed the Jewish rituals associated with mourning and Viv made some interesting comments:
– following the death of a person we should be celebrating their life not being miserable
– the Jewish rituals I described to her seemed to promote suffering
I’d never heard it put quite like that and it got me thinking.
Judaism Is Anti-Suffering
Judaism actively discourages suffering per se.
Indeed, all it’s rituals promote a healthy attitude to life with the emphasis on the importance of human life, which it considers sacred (special note – all “human” life not specifically Jewish life).
In a couple of days it’s Yom Kippur – the Day of Atonement.
The best known practice associated with Yom Kippur is fasting for 25 hours.
This means no eating or drinking for the entire period.
Many people see this as intentionally inflicting suffering.
However, the real reason for it, is to remove the distractions associated with providing for the needs/desires of the body so that the day can be spent entirely devoted to one’s spiritual development.
Indeed, if someone suffers as a result of fasting they are forbidden from doing so.
Jewish Mourning Practices
That brings us back to the Jewish rituals associated with mourning.
According to grief counselling studies, EVERYONE goes through a grieving process after the loss of someone close to them.
This consists of three distinct periods:
– Intense mourning. This is a period of anger, guilt, recriminations and is a very intense emotional time. It usually lasts 7 days
– A less intense phase where emotions are still quite raw and the mourner tends to be more comfortable in a socially withdrawn state ie not seeing people on social or joyous occasions as they tend to feel a bit disconnected from the celebrations. This lasts about a month.
– Finally, the third phase which lasts about a year where life is readjusting. Common things that happen throughout this period are previously shared events where the absence of the loved one is most notable. This includes things like the first birthday without that person or the first Xmas, wedding anniversary etc.
These three phases apply to EVERYONE!
They aren’t Jewish stages, they’re human ones.
Judaism addresses these stages with specific rituals.
Shiva
The first seven days is called Shiva (meaning seven) and the rituals include:
– the mourner doesn’t leave the house. Food is brought to them by family and friends.
– mirrors and reflective surfaces are covered. This stops the distraction of focusing on things like your own appearance.
– you sit on low chairs or stools.
As per my comments above about Yom Kippur, these practices can be looked at as a way to make the mourner miserable and increase their suffering.
However, (having recently been through it) I see these as a way to help the person to explore their own feelings and emotions and remove distractions.
Prior to the funeral a person is exempt from ALL ritual practices (including those described above) so they can focus on arranging the funeral, which should be done as soon as possible – even on the same day of the death.
My father died on Friday and the funeral was on the following Monday.
Hence, these practices didn’t apply until the Monday.
I found the weekend to be very strange – I existed in a weird personal bubble and when I did interact with people it often caused some strange reactions.
For example, on Sunday morning I went to buy food for people who would come back to the house after the funeral (a normal practice in all cultures).
The girl in the shop was very friendly and made a comment about “hope you’re having a nice weekend”.
Without thinking, I responded, “I’ve spent it organising my father’s funeral”.
It was one of those situations where you know, as soon as the words are out of your mouth, it was the wrong thing to say.
It made the poor girl, who was simply being friendly and helpful, feel awkward and uncomfortable. After all, how do you respond to that?
I wasn’t being vindictive or malicious – it was exactly how I had been spending the last couple of days – but it made us both feel embarrassed.
Hence, it’s best to keep people, who are in that highly sensitive and emotional state, away from other people as much as possible.
The rituals and guidance provided by Judaism about how to behave when visiting a mourner, in their home, provides a structure and advice on how to behave in this emotionally charged situation.
Shloshim
The next period is from the funeral until 30 days have passed.
This is called the Shloshim, meaning thirty.
As described above, this covers the next human stage of grief.
The intense mourning period is over, the mirrors are uncovered again and the mourner returns slowly to normal activity.
However, there are still things like not going to parties and other celebratory gatherings.
Again, this isn’t intended to make the person suffer or feel miserable but rather, to allow them time to adjust and not be a dampener on other people’s joy.
Yahrzeit
Finally, there’s a year of slowly getting back to ‘normal’.
In Judaism there are a number of rituals associated with that period, as well.
On the anniversary of the person’s death we light a candle which burns for 24 hours and say special prayers.
This is then done every year on that anniversary, again not as a way to make a person suffer but to help them remember the lost loved one.
Of course, you don’t have to wait for this anniversary to remember and be grateful for having that person in your life but having an enforced reminder does encourage at least a few moments reflection on a regular basis.
Some word plays
While thinking about this subject a few words came to mind which may just be quirky co-incidences or contain significant life lessons.
(BTW – I don’t believe there is such a thing as co-incidence. For me, everything happens for a reason which we may or may not be conscious of at the time.)
Atonement
As I mentioned above, this week has the Day of Atonement. It’s primarily about forgiveness both with other people and in one’s relationship with God.
Atonement is defined as being “satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury. Making amends.”
You could read it as: “At One-ment” ie being one or whole again.
Mourning
(OK – this is a weird one but I think there’s something in it.)
According to the secular calendar the day starts at midnight – that’s when the date changes.
In the Jewish calendar a particular day goes from evening to evening.
However, as people we intuitively feel that the day starts with morning.
You get up in the morning with the feeling that this is a new day (under normal circumstances you don’t have that feeling the night before or at midnight).
So ‘morning’ for us is a new beginning and there are lots of associations with that; a new dawn, the dawn of a new day and so on.
I you include the letter ‘u’ into morning, you get ‘mourning’.
What’s that about?
Sabian Symbols
One of the Sabian symbols (special symbols used in astrology) is “A woman standing at an open grave”.
When this comes up in a person’s chart it can be very scary.
Examining this image in detail we see that the woman has recently suffered a great loss – hence the “open grave” and is in that intense period of grief discussed above.
However, she’s standing AT the grave, not IN it.
For her this is a new beginning.
While she may not be feeling very joyous and full of excitement about the possibilities the future holds, this is, in fact, the point where she is in her life at that time.
Given time she’ll see that this was a turning point for her and a time of significant changes.
And so it is, when you put ‘U’ (read YOU) into the new beginning of MORNING you get MOURNING.
So, mourning is a time of deep and powerful emotions where we connect very deeply with who we are, what drives and motivates us and what we see as important in our lives.
It gives us perspective in a way that very few things can do.
And so, rather than see mourning as something to be avoided, because it’s associated with suffering, it’s something we need to embrace at those (hopefully few) times in our lives where the Universe puts us in the situation where it’s appropriate and necessary for us.
And in that way we come to celebrate the life of the person who has now gone from us, because we can appreciate how they affected us and the impact they had on our lives.
Shiva
In Judaism Shiva is the seven days of intense mourning.
In Hinduism it’s one of the primary deities known as “Great God”, “The Auspicious One”, “The Destroyer”, “The Transformer”.
This combination sounds a lot like the effect of the Shiva ritual in Judaism – something to think about….