Relax! It’s not Danita (she hasn’t lost her marbles) nor me (at least I don’t think so – but then I might be the last to notice).
This week Danita & I have been staying with my parents in Perth. It’s been an “interesting” time.
My father is now 87 years old. When he was 80 he had a stroke. While this had little effect physically, it left him with a form of dementia. He gets easily confused and is challenged when trying to remember recent events. Together with a number of other effects of the stroke this has made him a bit of a challenge to live with.
In order to give my mother some respite, Danita & I have stayed with him while Mum has taken a few days away with my sister. Here are some of the things we’ve noticed.
While there are a lot of things he can no longer do there are many things he’s still able to manage. He may be slow at getting them done which is frustrating for him as well as those around him, but it’s important he’s encouraged to focus on what he can do. We’ve had him being responsible for setting the table for meals and other small tasks. I feel this has bolstered his self confidence.
My parents have a small dog and we’ve been making a point of walking her. Lately, Dad has started coming with us. This feels good as he was spending a lot of time in front of the TV.
Some time ago I read a couple of books which had a major impact on how I view and handle this situation:
“In Search of my Father” by Dr Helena Popovic
“The Brain That Changes Itself” by Dr Norman Doidge
Both these books highlighted how amazing the brain is at learning. In fact, it continues to learn for as long as it functions and its main method of learning is repetition. So, the more we do, think or say something the more it becomes our reality.
If that repetition is in supportive behaviours then we find ourselves improving and developing our skills. On the other hand, if we repeat unhelpful behaviours (like spending time in front of TV because our eyesight has become too poor to read or we’re finding it difficult to walk) then we reinforce those traits.
The other thing that was very important was spending time with my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren before coming here. My daughter & her husband are wonderful, patient parents. Seeing how she related to her children made me realise that I needed to be the same with my father.
In many ways he’s operating like a child. This is sad to see but approaching the situation with this perspective has enabled Danita and I to handle it with a lot more compassion and understanding than we would otherwise have done.
The other thing that gave me insight into how to deal with this is Lorna Patten’s e-zine “Rescuing is not Responsible”. By allowing Dad to do things his way and not jump in to do it for him has enabled him to retain dignity and skill. Sometimes it’s been a challenge but it’s been worth it.
Danita has been an incredible support. Without her I’m sure these few days could easily have resulted in patricide.
Now, if I can just retrain Mum!