Danita and I are very much into process.
It’s part of the job spec for many of the things we do.
As part of that, and one of those deep and meaningful discussions that couples have (that’s enough information for your requirements here), we devised a simple process to achieve happiness.
Our realisation was that a great deal of angst, frustration and dissatisfaction in our lives (and many other people’s) resulted from an expectation that things “should be different to how they actually are”.
Perhaps you’ve already got this sorted but just in case you’ve been wondering why life just isn’t quite as enjoyable as you expect it to be, here’s our view on how to approach it.
This requires a bit of a change to your thinking – but then most changes do.
Here’s how it works:
You look at the current situation and decide if you’re happy about how things are.
Am I happy with this?
If you are happy with it, then be grateful and enjoy it while it lasts – it may be for a moment or a month or a lifetime but there’s a great likelihood it will change, so don’t get too attached.
On the other hand, if you don’t like what’s happening, if certain things or people or things about people are making you frustrated and angry then something needs to change, either the situation, the person or you.
You can’t change another person, no matter how hard you try – the desire for change must come from within the person themselves and can’t be imposed.
So, the most effective thing you can do is change yourself.
If it’s a SOMETHING which needs to be different as opposed to a SOMEONE then perhaps there are things you can do which will make a difference.
Am I able to change it?
Review the situation and decide whether it’s something you are ABLE to change.
Sometimes we can and other times we can’t.
For example, if you live near an airport or train station there’s a very good chance you’ll experience a lot of noise.
Until our technology changes significantly you can’t stop jets or trains making noise.
If you find yourself getting tense, frustrated and angry whenever a plane takes off or lands you have the opportunity to decide how you’ll respond.
An option is to move house or add noise proofing.
If, however, these aren’t options then you need to get into acceptance of the situation.
You could become a train/plane spotter and learn to tell the difference between an A380 and a 747 by the sound of the engines and so, rather than being a source of frustration, it becomes exciting and a joy.
If however, you are able to change the cause the next question is:
Am I willing to do what it takes?
Very often we CAN do things but that doesn’t mean we SHOULD.
Are you willing to put in the time and effort to change the situation?
In the above I mentioned the option to move house.
Generally, that’s something that most people CAN do.
However, it may not be something you’re willing to do.
If you’re willing and able to change the situation, stop thinking about it and get on with it.
In the words of that well-known brand; “Just do it!”
However, if you’re not willing to do what’s required then your final option is acceptance.
The Emotional Options
In the first case; you’re happy with things as they are, the most important response is gratitude.
Being and expressing gratitude has long been shown to have many beneficial effects, both emotionally and physically.
The appropriate response when you can change things and are willing to do so is to take action.
In the words of Goethe; “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”
The third response to a difficult situation is acceptance.
Understanding that we can’t control everything is an important insight for personal growth.
It means we accept that the Universe is bigger than we are and that things happen which we can’t fully know the long term implications or consequences of.
Often things which upset us ultimately turn out to be for our benefit.
In order to see that, when in the midst of a difficult situation, requires acceptance.
So, that’s my little contribution to the beginning of a new year.
Now, if I can turn it into a four day program with lots of sessions and CDs and books and and and… I could be fabulously wealthy – but then, in many ways I already am.
To finish off, I’d like to wish you a wonder full 2016 and remind you of the Serenity Prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971) and adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other twelve-step programs:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.