Earlier this week there was a brief email exchange which got me thinking about the assumptions we make around language.
It started when I received this email from a client:
“Yes we ended up having a lot of MDF thrown at us from MSFT and EMC which we’ve had to push things aside to accommodate so that timeline has been shot to death really.”
For me MDF is a material extensively used in building construction, especially in kitchens, and so I was imagining the client being attacked by a lot of 4b2’s (if you understand that then you’re showing your age).
My response to my business partner (I know better than to send something like this to a client) was:
“MDF, MSFT, EMC, MNC – WTF are all these TLAs?” (The project was called MNC which I hadn’t heard about until that email).
His response to the client was, naturally, much more appropriate:
“Tx for letting me know. Sounds like an acronym avalanche”
To which we received the reply:
“Very funny – yes we do speak a different language at times without realizing.
Company Dictionary
MDF – Market Development Funds (budget assigned to us by channel partners)
MSFT – Microsoft
EMC – EMC²”
At least SHE knew what she was talking about.
Corporate Speak
I think she nailed it when she said “we do speak a different language at times without realizing”.
The thing is, we do it all the time.
The corporate world is rife with this kind of language and it’s also extensive in industry specific contexts – the military being famous for it – but how often are we doing it in our ‘normal’ day to day communication without realising.
Emotional Conversations
In conversations with Danita there’s a refrain which comes up regularly of: “if you’d said that 10 minutes ago we wouldn’t have had to go though all this emotional stuff”.
(Have you noticed how one’s ability at being calm and rational seems to fly out the window when emotions get involved? My response is usually to get repetitious which only makes things worse – can’t imagine why.
While on the topic of emotional conversations there’s a lot to be said for leaving the room or simply shutting up. Sadly, in an emotional context these are exactly the things which aggravate the situation rather than improve it because they can be misunderstood, especially when slamming doors is involved.)
Getting back to my message about misunderstandings based on assumptions:
My thinking is that there is a core belief everyone has which is: “If I can do it, so can everyone else” or “If I understand this, then everyone else does too”.
This is a double edged sword.
On one hand it makes us equal to everyone else and so we can celebrate the differences we see in others because they’re the things that make them interesting.
However, it can also lead to anger and frustration when people don’t behave the way we expect them to – which is based on how we think we’d behave in the same situation.
“How dare that other car cut me off in the traffic – I wouldn’t do that – I’m going to get them for that!” is an example.
What we need to understand is that other people don’t see things in the same way we do, they don’t have the same experiences we’ve had, which gives all our communication its context.
Communication Techniques
When communicating we need to be explicit and specific in the language we’re using and check in regularly with the other person to ensure they’re hearing what we’re saying.
In coaching conversations there are a number of techniques which can be used to improve our general level of understanding:
Mirroring – repeating what the other person said using the same words
Paraphrasing/reflecting/clarifying – changing the words but saying the same thing – “So what you’re saying is …”
Summarising – providing an overview of the points being raised
A Warning
These are useful tools in communication but be careful you don’t sound “coachy” all the time.
A friend’s daughter once commented to her “Mum will you please just be a mother and stop being a coach”.
What’s Understood?
The important thing in communication is to check in that the other person has understood what you’ve said.
The best way to do that is ask them.
Use questions like “what’s your take on what I said?”, “how do you feel about that?”
The important thing NOT to ask is: “Do you understand?”
Of course they understand – the question is; is their understanding the same as yours?
Now, what was I/were you saying again?